Day 17

The past week and a half has left little to be grateful for....on the surface.

I woke up at 5 am heaving from the depths of my soul into a trash can. Feverish and lethargic. Then 2 & 3 (Brandon lovingly refers to the kids by birth number) weren't too far behind. B had to call in to take care of us after he'd worked all the way through his own bought with it.

Took Ruthie the Wonder Van in to get her oil changed then our first day out and about after dreaded illness, she wonderfully shuts down underneath the overpass on 16th. $605 Smackers later....she dies before we even leave the mechanics parking lot. I was L.I.V.I.D. Too say the absolute very least.
3 days sharing one car with early morning trips back and forth to Lowe's and managing rides home so that I could go to school. We now have two vehicles again.

Did I also mention that in the middle of the car swaps there was some key confusion which resulted with me locking myself out of the house for the entirety of Friday. I wasn't even aware of this until I was rambling home with a truckload full of groceries. But it was very cold and snowy that day. Best part of cold, snowy days during an Indiana winter? It doesn't matter if you lock yourself out. You can get all cozy on the couches at The Earth House and read and read until you have to go pick up the kids and the husband who have keys and your groceries do not spoil :)

 The steady hum of the Emergency Broadcast System has been the sound track of my past couple of weeks. This is a test. This is only a test. It is not an emergency. You still have much to be thankful for. It is simply to make sure that this word is penetrating into your heart and not just into your vocabulary.

Laying in bed unable to move without searing pain riping out my entrails, I cried with the gratitude that I wasn't in this by myself anymore. I have a partner. Someone who lets me lay on the couch as he cleans up puke at 2 am. Rolling through the city as it is just waking up in the early morning reminds me that I know call a place I once only dreamed of my home. Paying the mechanic and knowing we had the money to fix a SECOND car. Walking freely out of Kroger with the ingredients to make Eggplant Parmesan and watching a man with a severely deformed club foot make his way slowly inside...with a smile on his face.

My heart still sings. I feel light with the knowledge of all the blessings in my life.

Today I am grateful that last year I learned to be kind to myself. That I don't have a check list of Suppose-To's anymore. This time last year, I wouldn't have given myself the grace to post my gratitudes as I chose to . It would've been one more on a list to check off as accomplished and when I faltered under the weight of all my To-Do's, I would've felt like a failure. I would've read and re-read to make sure I didn't have errors or typos and second guessed my own words. Today, I simply write. If my fingers can't keep up, it's OK. If there is a run-on then I let it run-on. After all, that's really how I talk! So today I am grateful for the mercy I've learned to afford myself. It has given me great freedom.

 When you are grateful fear disappears and abundance appears” - Anthony Robbins